Poetry & Words

POETRY & WORDS :: Top ten rules for mommy bloggers

Top Ten Rules for Mommy Bloggers

  1. Use the term “mommy” to refer every other female who currently cares for or ever has cared for a child. Grown women love to be called “mommy” by other adults. Under no circumstances use a mommy’s first name.
  2. Accept and review free products from every company who offers you a freebie in exchange for your cellphone snapshot of the product in use. Pay no attention to whether or not you would normally use the product in question. Do not space out these reviews between other, non-sponsored posts.
  3. If you didn’t Instagram it, it didn’t happen.
  4. Buy a juicer. Place it strategically in the background of any photos taken in the kitchen. Tweet regularly about your love for kale juice. See also, rule #3.
  5. Start wars about extraneous topics. If your child prefers his light brown rattle over the chartreuse one, form a Facebook group in support of light brown rattles. Chartreuse is rarely found in nature, and therefore the inferior choice. Don’t forget to point out the potentially harmful developmental effects of chartreuse to stranger mommies you may encounter during your morning nature walks.
  6. Overshare. Body oddities, lingering symptoms, birthing anecdotes — catalogue them all online for your brother and your mommy friends’ dad to see.
  7. Talk about your child’s bodily functions. If it involves a faulty diaper elastic, the Lunch Which Kept Returning, a virus, or any other fluid related to bodily functions, blog about it. Tweet it. See also, rule #3.
  8. Recipes! If you’re cooking a dish which involves pouring sauce over frozen chicken, blog a photo of this food in its raw state, so your readers can pin it. Remember, Pinterest + Flash Snapshot of Uncooked Food = Winning.
  9. The more the merrier. (Hey now, I’m talking about fonts.) Use multiple typesets and colors in the body of each blog post. Set some posts to align in the center of the page, and others to align along the left margin. Keep your readers on their toes!
  10. Frequently remind your readers that you’re not actually a mommy blogger.