I’m not always doing well with this packing/moving bit, you know. You’d think after moving 8 times in the last 9 years, I’d be so over it. You’d think. But nooooo. Last night, while I was carefully placing my favourite vintage bowls in a box — two serving bowls with pale blue and aqua daisies, and two cereal bowls with red, yellow and green Japanese florals — noticed that one from each set was cracked. Sets, no more. Just a single solitary unmatched cereal bowl and a single solitary unmatched serving bowl. I mean, they never even had the opportunity to get broken en route like proper dishes. I tried not to cry, they’re just things after all, but was too, too, tired.
I am too, too, tired.
Last night at 2 AM we dragged (drug?) the mattress off the bedframe, out of the bedroom, and into the living room where we plopped it down on the bare tile floor. I could not stand another second of the duplex neighbor’s infernal snoring, and wanted to actually have the alarm clock wake me up rather than the neighbor’s morning yell+holler routine.
And yes, I had a horrible attitude yesterday evening. I hated chores, I hated boxes, I hated my endless to do lists. I acted childishly and immaturely. On top of it all, I may have actually uttered the words, “I want my mommy.” And then I felt shame. I was acting like a selfish child. I have everything in the world, have the most wonderful life in the world — I have LIFE! — and yet I was acting like a selfish brat.
Why was I insisting that I bear all the anxieties like they were some sort of chosen cross? Why, when the Lord of all the earth, the heavens, the sea…and even the sparrows in the bushes, says to my weary heart: “Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” (Psalm 55:22) Refusing to hand the Lord my burdens when He is asking to carry them is just as silly as refusing my strong husband when he says, “Honey, I will carry those full boxes for you”. Why do I angrily and stubbornly insist on lugging them across the house myself?
Lord, Father, I surrender. Your power is perfected in my weakness, not my stubbornness. I submit to your hands, to your everlasting arms. Carry me. Tuck me under the cover of your wings, and hide me in your safety.